Time

Years have passed.
Things change.

Life marches on. Or as it feels, comes to a screeching halt.

This is not for you reader, but for her. For my daughter. The one female who I have loved to the ends of the earth. The one who's heart I have crushed. The one who has crushed my heart. The one who I carried inside of me for over 41 weeks. The first one to call me Mama. My one, my only girl.

My Daughter, MIJ

My girl, who I have not seen in nearly ten months. But of whom I think of daily, hourly - constantly.


MIJ, I know you don't understand my choices, hell at times I don't even understand them. But in my heart, in our hearts...you know, we know. You know why I left. Looking back I should have had a more thoughtful plan. I never imagined it would be like this. I NEVER had intentions of leaving you and little A! No never.
I left your father, our sham of a marriage. I knew from the time I was four months pregnant with your younger brother that things wouldn't work. I knew. But I stayed on for another eight and a half years trying to do what was 'right'. But it didn't work. It was never going to work. Right can't be made.

Imagining all the things I have missed breaks my heart.
First dance
First crush
First heartbreak
Struggles
Joy
Celebrations
Breakfasts
Lunches
Dinners
Talks at bedtimes
Anger
Smiles
Tears
Zits
Periods
Exploration of the new
Mean girls
First day of high school
Daily life
School projects
Boys
Watching your beauty grow
...such an incomplete list


All I have for you is love.
And fear.
I fear that this rift will not heal. I fear that I fucked up beyond repair. I fear not being able to make it right. I fear you. I fear me. I fear the anger and resentment. I fear my failure. I fear the ache of not having you in my daily life. I fear passing on this fucked up baton and not breaking the cycle that has been passed down from previous generations.

But more importantly dear daughter, I have love. Love that will never dissipate. Love that comes from a place deep inside, from my womb, from my heart, from the very fiber of my being. I thought that having love was enough, but it isn't.
Less than two weeks ago I stumbled upon a phrase of sorts that rocked my world, changed my view of 'love' -- it was, "Love is time" and that dear daughter is where I have failed, along with a thousand other places.
Time
I robbed us of time, unknowingly of love - breaks my heart, crushes my brain to have this simple truth brought to my realization. Makes me sick.
Whats worse, I don't know how to repair it - and yet that is the one thing i want more than ANYTHING!
I will never give up. I will try new ways. I will make sure that my word and my actions align. I will show you love until I can bestow love upon you. I have never wanted anything more than to have you and your brother happy. Truly happy. I have two living children in this world. And both of you are going to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your mama loves you.

Saying I am sorry will never be enough. But I am. I am so very very sorry.

Here are a few thoughts that keep me going and I want to share with you...
*Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.
*Your belief determines your action and your action determines your results, but first you have to believe.
*Obstacles can't stop you, Problems can't stop you, Most of all other people can't stop you. The only one who stops you is yourself.
*Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things
*What screws us up in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be
*There is always somebody that loves you. Always! (baby girl, I will always love you...always!)
*Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.
*...but if you never try. You'll never know.
*Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places
*We all need second chances. This isn't a perfect world. I am not a perfect person. I have failed a lot. I have tried a lot too.
*Each new day is a blank page in the story of your life. The secret is in turning that blank page into the best chapter you possibly can
*When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you. Let it destroy you. Or you can let it strengthen you.

I love you to the moon and back my girl. To the moon and back.
You and I will overcome this. My prayer is that it happens sooner than later.

MIJ - I love you. Always have. Always will. Forever

November 2

My favorite celebration day!
Do you celebrate?

Exciting times my friends

Last night we added to our collection.

The kids thought it fitting that our pumpkin family had the same number of members as our human family.
And we needed a dog.

So there we are. The five of us.

Wondrous things were going on under the cover of dark..........

While we slept this happened

I started the morning with a happy dance.
Squeeeeeeeeeeee!
Took pictures.
Looked on-line at the cameras the road department has placed
on top of the passes.
Saw that the roads had been plowed.
7" of snow. SEVEN.INCHES!!!!
Did many more happy dances.
Went down into the crawl space and retrieved my ski boots.
To the ski shop I must (read, get to) go!

Flying away

Yesterday, Saturday, our family went out.
Off the mountain and into town.
We were soaking up the last bits of warmish weather.
When we left the house at 10am the temperature read 37-degrees F.
Not so warm.
The geese were rallying their flocks as they were circling the grain fields
setting their compasses for the long flight south.


We adjusted our flight north in search of adventures ~

It was one of the last of the farmers market's for the season.
A time that always makes me sad.
Saying goodbye to those who I see weekly and feed my family off their land.
I will miss the ritual of market.
And the fresh food.
The farmers are tired and ready for winters rest.
They deserve to put their feet up and take a break.
I guess I am ready to put my boots on and do some sliding,
as I may have mentioned, I love skiing!




Harvest celebrations were being held at many different farms.
We choose one and went to partake in the celebration.
Our local farmer had hauled in his pumpkin harvest and was selling them.
They were in four different sections - Small($5), Medium($6), Large($7) and Extra Large($8)
We choose two from the large section, carried them out to the car and went on to enjoy the rest of the festivities at the farm.
Which included wagon hay rides, live bluegrass music, bobbing for apples, pumpkin carving-for those so inclined, apple pressing and of course fresh apple cider, bee keepers collecting fresh honey(free samples!) and pony rides.

Even with the wrath of heavy frost I still find beauty in this sunflower.
It's head turned down. Sun at her back.
Sad to see Summer and her warmth go.

The precision with which the bees create is amazing.
Mind blowing.
Perfect.
Tasty!

Great day together as a family.

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Fall has firmly planted her feet on my valley.
You can feel her presence in the way the grasses along the ponds blow west, instead of their summer lean towards south,
in the way colors are starting to show on the mountain sides
and tree lined river banks.

We have had our first nights of heavy frost.
Frost that left us scrambling in the morning to find the ice scrapers,
ice scrapers that will now reside inside the vehicles
till late May or early June.
Frost that made all things green and growing in the garden a desperate
shade of blackish-green.
And all that was looking up for so long, now looks down to the earth
in such a longingly way.




Our first sightings of snow on the peaks
have brought great joy and excitement.
These are just the type of clouds that we will be needing
to fill our mountains with snow.

The light shows and productions that have been put on by the
clouds have been stunning.

But before winter slides in for the next five months,
a little fall action

Heading into town for an evening game

A beautiful setting for a soccer game

Our #10 in motion

As we headed home from the game, the sun had set
and the temperature had dropped
to a balmy 38 degrees.

I'm glad we only have two more week of this.
It is freaking cold standing on the side lines.

Wanderings

I wonder how many garments this machine
sewed in the years it was used?
The patterns laying on the table were labeled Trousers.


This summer one of our family adventures was to an abandoned town.
Left amazingly in tact.
I was overwhelmed with strong urges to back
the truck up and start loading.
There were so many treasures.
Of course, I did not.

I was in awe by the sense of place.

As if one day everybody just decided to get up and leave.
Taking very little.
What struck me and really blew me over was the respect that has been shown by all of us strangers who have walked through their lives and
been blessed to peak back into a simpler time,
and left it there.

How many people made love on this bed,
took a sip of water during the night,
relieved themselves?

This was a hotel/boarding house for the workers in the area
The rooms were tiny and the walls were thin.
B said the wood slats were less than one half inch thick.
Apply cloth wall coverings to each side and that was it.
No insulation. I can't imagine the cold in the winter.
Imagine conversations and the eves dropping one could do.

I loved the feel of this kitchen.
I could imagine the hustle and bustle of busy meal times.
But wondered out here, out in the middle of the mountains where did they get there ingredients.
What did they cook?
I would imagine wild game was on the menu quite often.
Did they have huge gardens and preserve?
How often would they take the horses and mules into town to
re-ration?
That trip must of taken at least two days in and two days back.
At the very least!
It took us, on modern roads with our spiffy modern truck,
just over 2 hours to drive from the closest re-ration town to here.
Back in the day when this town was in full swing there were no roads! Only trails on which four legged animals moved what ever was needed or produced in the town.

Pffft, simpler times my ass.

Which brings us to these....

...why is it that OLD outhouses always have side by side seats?
Was it common to want to take a piss or a crap next to someone.
Makes no sense to me.
But a least the seats are pink(ish)!!

My boy wanted to go in all the tunnels.

Lots of conversations were had about safety, how things deteriorate and how to make wise choices in choosing whether to do something.
Or not.
So we compromised and came to the agreement that looking in the first few feet on some was okay.
He loved it!

Not a bad view from the couch

B and Miss I checking out a house

The kids were impressed at how close the mine shaft was to the house.
We figured it was the best way to protect the miners work and investment.

Stream Crossings, old tar paper, moss and summer shoes.

B checking out a tunnel that was started
but for some reason was abandoned

Every time we saw a new place we stopped
and got out and looked around.
Made up stories of who lived here.
Why they chose this remote area.
Why they left.

We had a great day!

Then we headed home.

Thankful for all of our modern amenities.
Especially the toilets!!

Three Things ~ In my opinion

1. Beer should be consumed fresh.

Straight from a brewery. I would include wine, but grapes are not known to grow very well at my elevation. But would love to be able to buy that too!

Every town, village, community, borough whatever you call your surrounding place, lets say within 38 miles, should have a local brewer. Then hopefully you will have a farmer or a local co-op with a way of procuring locally grown barley (malted of course) and if possible fresh local hops.

No cans. No freaking glass! No pasteurization shit. Just the fine elixir of life. Pure and real. In half gallon refillable containers. 2 or 3 at a time. Or as one dear lady does, fill up at least 6 every week. One of each on tap. All the girls moan and run when they see the milk crates bearing empty growlers.

And for crap's sake no damn fruit in the brew!!! {Though just to be honest, I once asked the brewer to brew a coconut porter....let that sink in.....it was incredible, that is if you like coconut, which I do VERY much and if you like porter which I'm not so fond of. But ohhh my that is one fruit that once a year in very skilled hands is a treat to partake of.}

[Oh, and I like stickers]

And for reality and truth....I have full growlers in my refrigerator right now. Sitting along side a few cans and glass bottles of beer.
One does NOT take glass of any sort on the river, so cans are used. Often.

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2. Our neighboring community scarecrows were the best!!

This won Peoples choice

And why wouldn't it!??!!!

The sign reads - All in a day's work!

Fantastic! Well done local vet folks. Well done!

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3. My home is beautiful

One of the views from my backyard

Summer discoveries with the family

A view of my daily drive, thought not normally wrapped in a lovely blanket of fog.

Do not swerve. Look down. Meet oncoming traffic, because if you do, one of you is going to backing up. Very.Carefully!

My favorite roof line
From my favorite barn
Proportions are just right, so is the dilapidation

{this moment}

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This is where I long to be